“Welcome, and thank you for joining our beverage club. You’ll be happy to know that we have a tremendous selection for you to choose from, coffees from all over the world -- Hawaii, Columbia, and, of course, Java.”

That’s nice, but I would rather have some tea.

“I’m sorry, perhaps you don’t understand. You can have any of these coffees. Any one you want.”

What about tea?

“Ha, ha. That’s funny. But you do understand that you can’t have tea.”

Why not?

“You’re kidding, right? You’re not allowed. You are a Group A person, with an even-numbered birth date. Group A gets coffee. Group B people, with odd birthdays, get tea.”

But I don’t like coffee. I’ve never liked coffee. I do like tea. And you’re telling me an accident of birth determines which I get?

“Sir, we have ancient and sacred beverage traditions to uphold. You can’t change something like that. It undermines the foundations of our society.”

How? How does my drinking tea affect all those in Group A who continue to drink coffee? Seems there would be more for them.

“If we let people drink whatever they want, we’ll have people drinking urine or pesticides. We can’t have that, can we?”

What? How do you make that connection?

“Please sir, we can’t sanction deviant behavior of any kind. It’s just too dangerous. Do you want people drinking poison?”

No. Wait, this isn’t making sense. Now, you’re saying that Group B people can drink tea.

“Yes, of course.”

Then how about making me Group B?

“You can’t change the day you were born. Well… there is a process, but it is very long and expensive, for those who claim they are ‘of one Group born into another Group member’s body.’ It might stand up legally, but we’d all know what you really are.”

So you’re staying I’m stuck with this.

“Not at all. This is a free country.”

And I do drink tea at home.

“Well, what you do in the privacy of your own kitchen is your own business. But we can’t have you being too public about that. Don’t want to be a bad influence on children. And for their sake, we have to preserve the traditional beverage order.”

So I’m restricted.

“Of course not. As I’ve said before, you can have any coffee you want. Any grind, any source bean, any flavor, hot or iced, Starbucks or Folgers. Even decaf.”

But I DON’T LIKE COFFEE!

“Then you have no business being in the club. Good-bye”

* * *

What would drive me to script such a stupid conversation as this? I was inspired by this quote from a column by Gregory Koukl at TownHall.com, stating there shouldn’t be any gay marriage controversy because:

“Any homosexual can marry in any state of the Union and receive every one of the privileges and benefits of state-sanctioned matrimony. He just cannot marry someone of the same sex.”

If you don’t see the problem with that ludicrous set of statements, I probably can’t help you.

Tea, anyone?