In my restless youth, I found myself hanging out with other outsiders. While I was there due to general nerdiness, others were dopers and various ne’er-do-wells. Through my life I’ve known some people whose moral compass was like a spinner in a kid’s game. I’ve called such people friends.

So I understand the odd logic of: “Sure he (sin or crime he commits), but he’s a good person.”

As I look around the United States of Schadenfreude, I can’t help but wonder the following:

• Can I trust Scooter Libby not to kill my hypothetical wife and rape my hypothetical daughter?
• If I dropped my wallet at Martha Stewart’s house, would all the cash be there when I retrieved it?
• If I saw Paris Hilton at the Bark Park with her Tinkerbell, and I asked her to watch Muttley while I went away for a couple of minutes, would she throw my pooch into traffic for fun?

Yet these have been America’s high-profile jail inmates. One would think from the news coverage they were America’s Most Wanted, ruthless criminals on a par with John Dillinger or Jesse James.

I’m not excusing what these people did (What did Martha do again? I mean besides be a rich snobby know-it-all bitch.), but it’s interesting we live in a society that will let Ted Kennedy slide on manslaughter but send Libby to prison.

Everyone knows Scooter is just taking one for the team. The real culprit the inquisitors wanted to catch was Vice President Cheney, but to impeach and further prosecute him would be such a hassle, and it’d get way too political. Can’t have that, can we?

Yes, Libby is hurting in the short term, but thanks to plenty of friends who can make that “good person” comment above, he will join the ranks of right-wing martyrs like Oliver North and G. Gordon Liddy, raking in the cash and adoration with books and speeches and maybe a talk-radio gig.

Of these jailbirds, at least Paris makes some sense, endangering other people while she’s behind the wheel. (Wait, I forget, was she drunk? Or am I confusing her with some other Hollywood attention whore who skipped the consequences and went straight to celeb rehab.) The only thing worse than her pretending this was some sort of life-changing experience was its treatment by the celebrity press. The E! TV network goes on and on about the “ordeal” of being in county lock-up almost as long as many people spend awaiting trial.

But she’s been to jail! Like a criminal! A criminal whose E! show you better damn well believe is still on the air. The controversy can only help ratings, because what good is being a whore if you don’t get the money?

Do these people really need punished? Is there a way of actually punishing them? Or perhaps we are just too obsessed with picking at the flaws of a “good person” to go about the more worthy mission of justice.