Movie Title: I Know Who Killed Me
Written by: Jeffrey Hammond
Directed by: Chris Sivertson

Starring:

Lindsay Lohan ... Aubrey Fleming/Dakota Moss
Julia Ormond ... Susan Fleming
Neal McDonough ... Daniel Fleming

I love child-stars-turned-train-wrecks. I love when child-stars-turned-train-wrecks attempt to do something “adult” and “edgy.” I love pants-shittingly stupid thrillers.

Put it all together, and you have I Know Who Killed Me. I couldn't be happier if Britney Spears starred in a remake of Crimes of Passion.

I don't think Lindsay Lohan was available to do the talk-show circuit in support of this glowing piece of cinema because she was too busy getting arrested for cocaine possession. The thing is, for most of the movie, she's essentially playing Lindsay Lohan, the fucked-up tart. She spends about five minutes as Lindsay Lohan the cute high-school kid from Mean Girls, but then she's a stripper who's had half of her right arm and right leg hacked off. Everyone thinks she's Aubrey Fleming, piano-playing nice girl with an overactive imagination, but she's really Dakota Moss, raised by a crack whore and forced to make her living by whoring and pole dancing. She says so, anyway. She could be delusional.

Uh, yeah. There's a lot of stuff that's going to sound confusing, because I can't give up the spoilers that would make it all make sense. Or, kind of make sense.

Lindsay is fabulous in this. Or, well, no. Fabulously bad. I mean, she does her damnedest to be true to whatever dingbat reality is dominant in a given scene. But there she is, hobbling around on an artificial leg, squeezing people with her mechanical hand, having flashbacks about her middle finger falling off for no reason, hopping on top of a horny teenager in what is or isn't her bed, being guided by an owl, and yeah this is one psychotic little flick.

After Lohan was nabbed for the coke possession, she sent an email to Access Hollywood host Billy Bush, saying "I am innocent... did not do drugs… they're not mine." I call bullshit. Lohan may or may not have been doing drugs that night but to read this script and agree to appear in it thinking it was something awesome that would take her career to the next level? DRUGS. And Lindsay's mother? Dina? Dina, honey, I know you're a regular reader of the footnote. Dina, did you read the script? Did you approve of your daughter pole dancing and being tortured and saying lines like "Did she ever fuck you like that? Did she ever fuck you at all?"

Also I think someone involved with the film has something against piano teachers. I'm just sayin'. Just putting it out there.

Yeah, so I Know Who Killed Me -- and, yes, Lindsay Lohan actually says the title as a line of dialogue, prompting Penn Jillette and his film going buddies to stand up and applaud¹ -- isn't quite as cheesetastic as I wanted it to be. The moments of hysteria beloved by true devotees of over-the-top thrillers are in short supply. It feels as if the filmmakers realized how dumb-assed the whole premise was and tried really hard to make a movie you can't really laugh at. Mostly by throwing in painfully graphic gore scenes, like when Lindsay tries to sew her mysteriously severed middle finger back on.

Well, that's not fun. But Lindsay is. She gets to smoke and drink and drop F-bombs and generally be a bad girl. I'm all over that.

Crap movie? Of course it is. Worth it for the spectacle of a former Disney girl crawling around in the dregs? Bon appetite.

¹Penn wrote a column once in which he claimed that he and a bunch of his buddies would go to films and, if the title of a movie was said in the movie, they would stand up and solemnly applaud. I cannot find intarweb verification for this, but trust me -- that's what he said he does.