Must. Stop… buying… books.

I love to read books, this is true... but I might like BUYING them more. I base this upon the fact that I buy more books than I read. It's become not only a money problem and a space problem but a self-esteem problem as it makes me feel dumb for multiple reasons, many of which I'll fail to articulate in this column.

Books are so important to me. How important? More important than burritos? My heart says they are... except... said heart is also engulfed in fat and death from all the burritos I eat, which brings up an interesting point: I don't just buy burritos and then not eat them. If I buy a burrito, I consume it immediately! Not so with books, many of which sit on my shelf, unread long after purchase. So maybe I love burritos more than books. Holy crap.

Perhaps even more suspect of late is my reading comprehension level. The last book I completed was Joseph Heller’s Catch-22, and it was terrific. I found it funny, sharp, poignant -- totally deserving of its modern classic status. Despite all of that, it took me about four months to read it, which is ridiculous for a 453 page book. Also? I remember very, very little about it. I can't even remember the main character's name as I'm typing this... Whoa whoa! I really can't. Holy shit. (Okay, I just looked it up, and it’s Yossarian. Yossarian!)

So, is it that I've forgotten how to read? I finished Catch-22 almost three months ago… Shit, I haven't even read a comic book in weeks now... Is my brain turning to jelly? That might seem to be the case, but I do read... on the interwebs. Little snippets of whatnot about some TV show or comic I no longer seem to read or maybe a comedic rant here and there... but nothing substantial, and I forget most of that stuff, too.

When I do attempt to read a book, it’s around five pages a night before falling asleep then having to reread about half of them the next night because I must’ve been “sleep reading” without knowing it before nigh’ nigh’, which is not only pathetic and depressing, it is also depressing. Certainly no way to get wrapped up in a good. No! This style of reading I’ve accidentally adopted is good for only one thing: more television watching and lowered self-esteem.

That’s two things.

Gah! I can’t even stick with my own words as I type them! Why? Why has my reading comprehension taken such a nosedive? What is my reading level now, anyway? I always seemed to score rather highly in such areas when but a young, fat child. What about now? As an old, fat child?

Using the wonders of the wwwebnets, I am going to “Google” search for an online reading comprehension level test, comment upon it here in this very column whilst taking it, and share with you the results… This has potential for embarrassment and disaster, much like that last time I professed romantical love to someone…

Here we stupidly go… … dotdotdot …

Okay -- balls! Already going poorly. Why? Well, I went to this test that I shall not name due to laziness, and I just started answering these multiple choice questions that made no sense… For questions one thru three, my first choice of the four choices was incorrect, and my second was correct. Then I started thinking, “These random questions with random multiple choices don’t make a lick of sense. Wha’ da’ fuh?” That’s when I notice the long block of text on the page and the instructions to READ it FIRST, THEN answer the questions PERTAINING TO THE FUCKING TEXT, STUPID!

Really? I’m THAT dumb? … Really?

So, I stopped at question three out of seven without reading the text the questions are referring to which means that, to me, I beyond failed. I couldn’t even read and comprehend the DIRECTIONS, let alone the reading level questions. How the hell am I expected to read the books that I compulsively buy when I can’t even read two sentences that explain to me how to take a multiple choice test?

To test your reading level, answer the following questions based upon the text above:

1. The writer of this column

A. is miserably self-absorbed.
B. has never heard of libraries.
C. is the greatest eater of burritos our silly world has ever known.
D. is your mom or all of the above.

2. Reading is for

A. nerds.
B. winners.
C. … What the fuck is this question about?
D. Batman Begins remains an awesome movie.

4. Before taking a reading comprehension test

A. you must read the directions.
B. eat a roast beef sandwhich.
C. don’t swim before eating.
D. What the happened to question 3?

And for the answers…

Wait. What? Shit… I don’t know what’s going on in this PURE LARD. Ah, it’s almost 11:30 PM. I should really get to sleep… gotta wake up early tomorrow for work. Yawn. I’ll just finish reading the rest of this column tomorrow…

And with that, D.J. went to sleep, visions of past mistakes and fear of the future dancing in his giant, lumpy head.

The End?*

 

 

* Yes.