Several weeks ago, I entered my shower at about 10:15 PM. I was singing the national anthem in the style of Pavarotti. I reached for my loofah when I happened to glance at my bellybutton. There was a ball of blue fabric inside of it. I hadn’t worn a blue sweater or a blue shirt all day. “Curious!” I exclaimed. In fact, I spent most of the day in my lime-green muscle shirt lifting gallon bottles full of marbles and doing squats. Then why was there a puffy bit of blue cotton in my navel? Thanks to my superior deduction skills, it only took me a few minutes to figure it out.

Here is what I deduced:

1) Aliens abducted me.
2) Aliens inserted a sweater-making device inside my stomach.
3) Aliens are very sensitive to the cold.

Now you may ask yourself, am I reading the ramblings of a lunatic? Certainly not. This is neither the least bit loony nor of a rambling nature. Let’s analyze how I got to each conclusion shall we?

1) Aliens abducted me.

First off, aliens love abducting people. In fact, it is their national pastime. They also love probing and erasing memories, but without abducting a person first, those other things really aren’t very fun.

Secondly if aliens were going to abduct a human specimen, they would probably choose someone extremely virile, intelligent, popular, and in tip-top shape. Sounds a lot like someone I know (hint, hint).

And lastly, I have a tough time remembering my early 20s. There are a lot of memories of me going to keg parties and taking pills from strangers and then lots of black spots. It is like I lost time. That is an important sign that you’ve been abducted.

2) Aliens inserted a sweater-making device inside my stomach.

The first piece of evidence is the fabric I found while lathering up my chest. That is pretty definitive. Stomachs just don’t normally sew together fibers and store them in your “innie.”

I saved the fabric. Others like it appeared in the days to come. I collected them all in a jar by my bed. They were all the same color, the blue of a polluted skyline at dusk. I lifted up the wad of fuzz and compared it to items in my house. Sure enough, it closely resembled a sweater my Aunt Hannah had given me a few Christmases ago.

What else could this blue stuff be used for? It wasn’t absorbent enough to made into a towel or soft enough to make sheets out of. Sweater all the freaking way.

3) Aliens are very sensitive to the cold.

That’s why they are having me make them a bunch of nice, big sweaters from my gut. They are planning to come and conquer Earth but find its temperature displeasing. So they will wear the sweaters they have forced me to make. They will make mittens out of my hair and boots out of my mucous. Aliens are crafty beings, and they know their currency isn’t worth that much over here. So they can’t just go to JC Penney and pick up some warm, winter gear. They have to force their future victims to fashion it for them.

So what will I do about it? The plan is simple. First I will burn all the blue fuzzies in a bonfire big enough for the aliens to see from their stupid planet. Next I will turn on the AC full blast everywhere I go (I urge you to do the same) so that if those suckers do come here, they will be dealing with some serious goose bumps. Then, I don’t know -- we’ll have to improvise. I mean, are these aliens like the big, scary ones from Aliens, or are we talking E.T.? Because I can kick E.T.’s ass. But the jump-out-of-your chest teethy aliens that tried to killed Sigourney? I’m going to need some help with that. I’ll send out an email.